Making and keeping friendships 101

That's right it's another back to back post!

Looking over what I've written in the past couple of weeks or so, I've written about some very abstract and indeed very deep ideas, ideas which require a lot of reflection and thinking to even understand at the most basic level. So I figured that I ought to talk about a much more practical aspect of both my life and the reader's life. Friends.

Though now that I think of it friendships and their intricacies are just as thought-provoking and headache-inducing as the core philosophies Taoism and Zen Buddhism, maybe even more so.

You'd think that making friends is something easy, something that a toddler could do, after all, it's one of the first social interactions that a person engages in, in their lifetime!
And yet the complexities and dynamics of making friends and more importantly keeping friends evolve and morph over time and it can be hard to keep track of.

As a person who's in their fifth school now, and has had to make friends from scratch multiple times, I'd like to believe that I've got friendship down to a science, but the fact is I don't. I suck at making friends because my kryptonite is talking to people and you need to talk to people to make friends with them unless we're talking about some sort of sign language system which is infinitely more convoluted.

However, after observing what makes friendships tick and what breaks them multiple times I've found that not only is friendship a science it's an art too! To be able to find a reliable person, who is fun to be with AND loyal is a difficult task indeed but we must shoulder this burden and do so. Why? Well, I'm glad you asked because that allows me to segway into Act I.

Why have friends when you can be an edgy introvert?

In today's world being introverted is seen as being edgy or being "cool" or unique. Genuine introverts will wish for nothing more than being able to communicate and enjoy company with others as much as their extrovert peers. Also, there's this utterly inane misconception that introverts don't have friends. This is hogwash! Balderdash I say! Introverts are normal human beings but they just don't like to be as outgoing and social butterfly-esque as extroverts. However not being outgoing is not the same as not having friends. Introverts tend to have a few friends but these friends will more often than not be extremely trustworthy and be loyal to a fault.

Terms like anti-social or emotionless are floated around with no significance being attributed to them nowadays, being anti-social isn't an edgy thing to do it's called being a sociopath and it's a mental disorder. Chances are if you talk to other people and have loved ones you are NOT a sociopath.

Human beings are social animals, we NEED social interaction, to provide us stimulus and to keep ourselves healthy, so it's important to have a constant rapport with other people or there may be dire effects on your mental health. One of the worst forms of torture- Solitary Confinement is based on this entire principle of isolating you from everyone else and placing you in silence in a tiny room with no hope of respite. It breaks a person in a matter of days.

Also having a peer group is fun! Having other people to talk with about topics of mutual interest and significant events stimulates most of our actions. I know a lot of people who would probably stop paying attention to school if they couldn't meet with their friends on a daily basis ther- oh wait that's what's happening right now. 

A peer group can also work as a support group(not always we'll get to that soon enough) and help out by being there for you during difficult times. While yes, your family will be there you can't always have wonderful families. You can't choose your family but you can choose your friends who can fill the void of an absent family if you can find the right ones.

Who are the right ones though?

This is the most crucial step in the entire process. The requirements vary from person to person but in general, you want your friend to be:

• Courteous
• Intelligent(Not book smart, though that wouldn't hurt)
• Friendly
• Shares Mutual Interests
• Understanding 

This all goes out of the window however depending on one factor. Your gut feeling(no, not indigestion) if you have the feeling that person would be good to have as a friend, then you should listen to your gut, It usually knows what's best for you.

You make excellent points! How do I start though?

Ah now we get to the interesting bit, making friends is a delicate issue that must be handled with care and detail.

First, to make a friend you'll have to be introduced to other people, this is easy for people who are currently working or go to school/college. You already have a solid community around you and you also have a mutual point of interest and it's just a neat bonus if you study/work in the same area. What about people who aren't currently working? Well, you'll need to put yourself into a situation where you can meet people. You might be familiar with the concept of mixers and socials, events where you can meet new people? Great! Dump those. Sarcasm aside I find that friendships are at their most natural in the formation stage when a friendship isn't made for friendship's sake. Go out! Take a walk, talk with people, exchange a word of greeting or two.

Once you've zeroed in on a person you want to be friends with after understanding them on a basic level, you interact regularly and talk about relevant topics.

A crucial maxim to state here is, "Never ask a person if they want to be friends". While this may indeed result in a friendship formed at some point it will usually kill the flow of conversation because a friendship is formed through words unspoken, and by asking them directly you're essentially digging a ditch for yourself to fall in. 

Once a consistent rapport has been formed asking the individual if they'd like to engage in an event in the future: If they reply in the affirmative, congratulations! You've successfully made a friend!

If they reply in the negative and state a valid reason don't lose hope just look for a future opportunity and ask again

If they reply in the negative without stating any reason, you have a bit to be worried, of course, they don't need to justify every action of theirs so you can try respectfully asking them for a reason and if they don't feel like divulging it, don't pry further, it is important to be respectful of the boundaries they set forth. Keep on with regular conversations and perhaps you'll find some luck!

I made a friend! Now what?

You have now arrived at the crux of a friendship, keeping it healthy. Think of having a friend as a game of volleyball. When the ball's in your court you have to ensure that it stays in the air letting it fall multiple times could result in things souring between the two parties so keep your communication up! 

Enquire about the other regularly, ask them if they're alright, what's new in their life etc you get the deal. Both parties need to have a feeling of "being heard". If you don't keep your end of the deal, don't be surprised if the whole thing falls through. You'll need to put in the effort and pick up on the slack sometimes, though if it is a meaningful friendship you usually won't mind doing such things.

There is a thin line between being there for a person and being overbearing, however. You have to understand that while every person has a social requirement, they need some time to themselves as well, it is your responsibility to not encroach upon this sacred territory.

Above all be respectful and loyal, if your friend doesn't want to talk about something, don't talk about it, if they confide in you, respect their privacy and don't violate their trust. If you can keep track of these core tenets you will have fulfilled your end of the bargain. 

My friend isn't talking to me anymore! What do I do?

First of all, before pointing any fingers, introspect. Have you done anything to make them react in such a hostile state? If not gently approach them and ask for a reason, if they're too emotionally unstable, wait and try again. If you WERE in the wrong, it is important to acknowledge that you were wrong, faking it is usually an easy way to ruin things rather than be genuine and seek forgiveness but be prepared for scepticism and try to assuage it. If they still don't accept your apology, I'm afraid you need to give them some space, perhaps the friendship may be reforged at some point but right now they don't want to see you, so it's important to be respectful of that. 

If you never get an apparent reason for them not responding(presuming that they don't have an emergency occurring and it is deliberate), it's time to move on. While it is important to keep your friendships alive, your self worth is even more important and wasting it on someone who isn't ready to reciprocate is utterly pointless.

This post may seem absurd because surely everyone knows how to make friends if they are intelligent enough to read this, it is meant not only to make friends but keep them as well. In this growingly fast-paced world of ours, it's easy to get distracted and forget your commitments to your friends and I feel like this will serve as a reminder of them if not to anyone else, at least to me.

 

Growing up in the Gulf, I was never close with my extended family, to begin with, yet I made some amazing and considerate friends who would stick with me for as long as I needed them. The adage goes, "Friends come and go but family is forever". However from what I've seen of this world, I'll say this, the man who can say that his friends are his family is the luckiest among all men.

And as a bit of a PS, I'm grateful for all of the friends I'm lucky to have as I speak. Chances are you guys are reading and while I'm not the best with words when I speak I can only hope that I can convey my gratitude to you guys for being there for me when I needed you the most. I can only hope that you can say the same of me.