A New Year Beckons

 How are y'all doing? Merry Christmas! (belated of course). Another year's passed and I'm surprised that I don't really remember much at all of these two years at all. Perhaps the days have become too monotonous or I'm having early onset dementia, I'm kind of crossing my fingers for Option A.

New years resolutions are pretty popular with the caveat that everyone is usually done with them in a week, so this post is something to that effect for me. I'll probably regret typing this one out at some point, but I feel like this is something that has been a long time coming.

I have low self esteem.

It isn't much when  you put it like that and indeed I wish it were just that, a sentence that didn't have much merit in my life, and yet it does.

I've moved houses multiple times and along with them, schools. My current school is the fifth one I'm studying in and what this has resulted in, is that I've never had any close friends to call my own. 

I'm not saying that I'm a loner, nor do people loathe me, rather  I'm saying that I feel worthless at times. Its a feeling that comes and goes, more frequently so, recently, might be adolescence hormones but every now and then I feel extremely empty.

I feel like everyone around me only sticks around because they have to, not out of any genuine like for me. I feel like everyone around me uses me as a filler of sorts, something to pass the time, until someone else comes along. I feel like my being at a place, has no value at all. Everything would be the same, with or without me, then what's the point of me being there.

I've started writing this post many times now, but I always stop writing, afraid. Afraid that those who do talk to me will stop talking to me, that I'll lose all meaning in any circle. 

I'm an introvert by nature, but that doesn't mean that I don't yearn for some kind of contact. There are people in my life who've maintained contact with me even after years of separation and I'm truly grateful for them. I may not sound like it, but everytime you guys call, some of that sensation is alleviated.

I started to talk louder, laugh harder, maybe subconsciously to become accepted and yet I never felt accepted despite what the others thought. I always felt like an outsider, like I didn't belong and it was a feeling that didn't make sad or angry. It made me feel empty. People who know me, know that i have trouble saying "no", I was always afraid that me saying no would make others hate me, that they wouldn't want to have anything to do with me.

Sometimes, I sit and wonder, will anyone I know now, be still talking to me a decade from now? Five years? Two?

And the answer scares me. I don't know.

I feel defeated.

Am I better now? It feels like at this point, I'd detail where I am and how much I grew and yet I don't think I can confidently say that. 

Perhaps such is life. Perhaps this is a dip in a huge graph. I claim not to know the solution to all problems. This is just something I had to put to a post eventually. For what purpose? I do not know.

I won't share this post incessantly to anyone, I feel like if someone should read this, it must be of their volition. 

Here's to hoping that this year will be better